I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”