I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people


My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.


Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”


Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.


“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.


the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps


My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.


If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.