@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

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@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

@PickleRudd

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

@FilthyRichmond

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@DudeMass

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

@AndyAsAdjective

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

@kv8

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.