I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.