I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

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I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”


[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast



Me: you’re my favorite


I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.


Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW


Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.


*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*


I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.


I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.


Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.