I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.