Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
You Might Also Like
This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up