@beefman138

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

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@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@thejessbess

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

@AudreyPorne

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up