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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.
Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right