@bluetractor

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

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@ruinedpicnic

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ilovedogs
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iloveparisdogs

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@_NinJar

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

@MartaEffing

I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

@envydatropic

My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.

@ErikGators

Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right