Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: Goodnight mom I love you
Mom: I have a boyfriend
Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry