I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

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Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.


My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.


My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.


Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error


People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.


After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable


Me: Goodnight mom I love you

Mom: I have a boyfriend

Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?


Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry