I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
You Might Also Like
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.