I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
You Might Also Like
that’s really how it is
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler