“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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