I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.