I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
You Might Also Like
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs