I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?