I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Customize Your Wedding.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Liquor Store Parking
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.