I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.