I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.


*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.


[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”


Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?


Avoid all fall relationships guys, they just want us for our hoodies and sex.

More so just the hoodies, the sex is to get us to take our hoodies off and lower our guard.


My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.


When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.