I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me too 😆
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener