Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
lol