@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

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@jonnysun

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@TheTobbie

Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it…

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.