@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

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@TheBoydP

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

@Goddamnit_Jason

BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@brendohare

A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”

@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

@Tbone7219

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.