I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You Might Also Like
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When you let grandma cat sit
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.