I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further