A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You Might Also Like
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*