@dumbbeezie

I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

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@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@UncleDuke1969

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

@Pro_Jones_

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

@JediGigi

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

@Sassafrantz

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

@sarcasticmommy4

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”