i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
Danny Devito: well hello there
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.