the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the