I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

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The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years


Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.


my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.


DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.


If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.


the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it


When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.


Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ‘ yours eventually’?


Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.