I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…



me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there


ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad


I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”


I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.


Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room


Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.


Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.