Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.