“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.