I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
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PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.