@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

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@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@davidkenny100

The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

@TheDjinnTrials

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.