[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
You Might Also Like
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
What do you hear?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂