I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.


Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.


Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?


[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”


“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”


“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines


I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”


Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh


I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.