@WheelTod

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

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@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@mommajessiec

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.