I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
she has a point
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.