I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.