I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.


Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.


Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No


If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.


Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.


[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?


“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect