I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me