Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America