I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
As the Lord intended
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?