I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I can’t be the only one 😂
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
@funTweeters
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?