I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.


ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?


[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”


Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*


I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”


please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.


Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.


How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”


Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.


Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.