Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails