I hate mischief night. Some kids stole the toilet paper I was storing all over my roof and trees

You Might Also Like


1) It’s not very hard


Scientist: This new field is all about forecasting weather. What should we call it? Weatherology?

Other Scientist: Meteorology.

Scientist: But–

Other Scientist: *huge bong rip* Meteors.


Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already


Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…


[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat


There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.


So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!


Why bury them in the woods when you can get a wood chipper and give back to the land?


When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.