@rebrafsim

I hate mischief night. Some kids stole the toilet paper I was storing all over my roof and trees

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@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

@dadthatwrites

Scientist: This new field is all about forecasting weather. What should we call it? Weatherology?

Other Scientist: Meteorology.

Scientist: But–

Other Scientist: *huge bong rip* Meteors.

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

@internetluke

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

@underchilde

There should be a branch of the government that just helps people who get stood up.

@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

@blonde_opinion

Why bury them in the woods when you can get a wood chipper and give back to the land?

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.