You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way