I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.