I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”