I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
prepare for carbonated trouble
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”