I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.