I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
sleeping beauty
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol