You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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me: [to uncle] *talking… *talking… *talking… red hot chili peppers…
grandma: [from another county] FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO SPICY HAROLD
Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.
Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.