@autocorrects

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

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@Crunk_Jews

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.

@mattewe02

me: [to uncle] *talking… *talking… *talking… red hot chili peppers…

grandma: [from another county] FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO SPICY HAROLD

@JimmyBauer

Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.

@Chhapiness

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.