I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves