@Lisa_Laughs_

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

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@UncleDuke1969

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

@jonnysun

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

@cheeky__gal

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

@littlelady899

“Why are the good ones always taken?”

– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray

@lmegordon

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@KateQFunny

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.