@Lisa_Laughs_

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

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@notalogin

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

@HenpeckedHal

If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@daemonic3

me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

@Cpin42

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing