I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…


If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*


I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.


me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?


me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars


DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?


If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing