“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
“Why are the good ones always taken?”
– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.