I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.