I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Nothing.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.