I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)