@drayzze

I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

@drinksmcgee

I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.

@turd_firebird

If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.

@DaddyJew

Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@JediGigi

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

@KalvinMacleod

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.