MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.
I’m looking for food, not a reunion.
You Might Also Like
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
Your son has been suspended
He hit a kid who was picking on another child
“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.