I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.

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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.


I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.


If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.


Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”


Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.


Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread


Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies


If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.