the only organized thing in my life is crime
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Europe. Made in Germany.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.