“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!