Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
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people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I have a type: disappointing
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired