Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something