Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
You Might Also Like
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”
– Call Center Training
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.