@dumstupit

i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date

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@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@daemonic3

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

@BatBatshitcrazy

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@OllyiConic

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something