I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields


Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there



Cop: sir, your tailamp is out



[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me


My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.


Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound


The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.


ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*


Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else


Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.