I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
(True)
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?