@fro_vo

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

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@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

@Matt_the_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@bellicosejason

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@katta_IoIkatt

The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.

@fro_vo

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.