@faiza__tg

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

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@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

@LoveNLunchmeat

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@mattsurely

*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@_NikkaBee

Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?

@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!