I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
uh oh
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.