@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

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@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@DaddyJew

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

@notalogin

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@brennadine

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

@Browtweaten

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl