This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl