@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

- @theferocity

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@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

@mexinonblonde

WOW!
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
Oh…
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.

@_itspat_

There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@Kyle_Lippert

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

@Kryzazy

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

@supershayne

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@SteveSackington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@arielleBigBlue

Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.